Monday, August 8, 2011

Run When Your Hurting 3/17/10

I find myself thinking about friendships today....

How I long for some good friendships in my life. I used to have three of the most exceptional and caring friends. Time passed, and things fell apart---in part, I feel, because of me.....but also because of life in general.

Are we really meant to meet people, get so close to them, and then watch them walk out of our lives at some point down the line? Are we supposed to share experiences and invest time in one another for only the purpose of future memories to look back on as having been "the time that I REALLY lived?" Or were we supposed to hold onto them---fight for them through whatever incident threatened to break us apart or sever whatever bond we shared? As flawed humans, how are we to know if we should push to hold onto a huge fight? after a silly lie is discovered? if hurtful words are said in a heated moment?

Through my experiences with certain people it has become either worth it or not worth it to fight for their friendship in hard times....but actions and words can sometimes be deceiving.

Friends sometimes tell you what you want to hear.
Friends sometimes agree with you to shut you up.
Friends sometimes use you without you even knowing.
Sometimes, though...the FRIENDSHIPS themselves that are built can outweigh even the worst of these relationship crimes.

I can't help but wonder........are we, as flawed humans, bad at picking friends....or do we settle for the bad friends that continue picking us?

I'll admit, sometimes blaming someone else is my mind, it allows me to place my burdens on others and to focus on whatever positives in my life tend to slip in the background in the midst of too many problems. But is blaming others for problems we have clearly caused only a temporarily solution for the inevitable---the creation of seemingly insurmountable internal demons related directly to these problems we have tried to push on others?

I could blame someone for a failed relationship or friendship, and have, without EVER examining my role in the ruining. I didn't lie, they lied. I made the effort to call, they didn't. I believed in them, they didn't believe in me. All of these lies I (or anyone) places upon the shoulders of someone else only creates one feeling that surfaces later---the feeling of abandon.

In essence, blaming other people pushes them away. Family members, lovers, friends, teachers, directors, whatever....Blaming other people not only suggests that we are above dealing with the damage we have caused, but suggest the lack of respect we really have for those people we, in turn, blame.

Is someone, somewhere watching and taking notes on who we blame? God....cupid....anyone.

I can't help but wonder...are we actually only one blame away from a karmic retribution where we are not blamed---but not loved or trusted either. We are merely ignored and forgotten.

"You know I used to weave my words into confusion. And so i hope you'll understand me when I'm through. You know I used to live my life as an illusion...but reality will make my dream come true." -Johnny Lang

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