Monday, August 8, 2011

Even 7/8/10

I find it hard to keep up with my writing only because I really cannot be completely candid as I once was. I’ve entered adulthood….and as we all know, the fun basically stops on many levels when that happens.

When I was in college, I wanted the time to pass. Every single thing about Salisbury made me so miserable. In retrospect, I was a fool. A fool who never allowed himself to be happy and, instead, ruined what should have been the best time of my life.
Regrets are the worst thing in the world, and I have already racked up so many.
Sometimes I wish I could disappear back to highschool.
Sometimes I wish I could disappear in the planning of the Senior Prom again.
Sometimes I wish I could disappear in the arms of someone that I knew was there for me and not his own selfish motivations.
I miss it all.

I am extremely young and inexperienced and on a journey of self-discovery.
I know how hard it is getting it right at a time like this.
I am supposed to try to get exactly what I want knowing that I will most likely fail several times on the way to happiness.

A friend of mine once said that when someone gets what he truly wants, he doesn't want it anymore.
Why, then, do we torture ourselves with dreams?
I can't help but we, as humans, continue to look for the good in what we dream in only knowing that, in the end, we won't be truly satisfied with what we have achieved?

This last statement makes me think of acting. Thinking back to a few years ago, being an actor meant everything to me. I wanted to move to New York as soon as I finished undergrad and begin my road to ‘becoming the next Broadway star.' It sounds silly…but I felt passionate about something then.
I felt as if I had a purpose.
I miss being ridiculously passionate about something.
What happened to that person? I can honestly say I recognize very little about the person most people now know in regard to who I used to be. I think I liked certain aspects of that person better...

I remember why I used to act. I wrote the reason all over my graduate school application essays back when I was on the MFA Musical Theatre track in life:
“Through my performance of whatever character I may play in a particular show, I want people of all ages to be compelled to FEEL something. I find the expression of feelings in today’s society to be frowned upon. I want people to feel again.”
I'm a big believer in the idea that the expression of one's feelings is imperative to his happiness and overall confidence. If I feel something, I'll let you know. However happy or sad the feeling, that very feeling is crossing my mind and heart for a very important reason---to be first acknowledged by me and then expressed to you.

Sometimes I wonder....
If we, as a society, weren't always confused and questioning if what we were doing with our lives was right....would we be bored? Would we find something else to nitpick until that, too, was then sorted out.....only to move onto something else to obsess over?
When will we, as humans...realize that being confused and asking ourselves questions about who we are and why we are that way is normal....?
Our decisions take us to unexpected and sometimes unhappy places---but I am a firm believer that the choices I make shape my fate.
To question is bliss.
It is only when we question that we figure out exactly how we feel.
And, personally, I'm all about questioning everything to feel something.

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