Monday, August 8, 2011

Pure Imagination 8/8/11

This is my first blog in over a year...

My sister, who has always encouraged me to do things that make me happy, helped me set this up....and I hope you enjoy it! Posted before this entry are some from the past and dated as such...but from here on out only titles will be listed.

I often wonder at what point the trajectory in life we once wanted for ourselves slips through our fingers? We find ourselves, a year or two later, in a place we never thought we'd be, seemingly off-track.....completely different (or at least changed).....a bit helpless and unsure of ourselves. This has happened to me a few times now in my short 26 years on this earth....and I cannot help but wonder where and when we veer of track and succumb to what's easy and give up seeking what inspires us?

No one is perfect.

And, in some ways, people who say they are totally happy with their lives probably aren’t. It’s an act. An act we put on to justify the path in life we have chosen that had led us to this point. If you’re extremely wealthy, you’re probably lacking the love of your life. If you’re hopelessly in love, you may use that as an excuse to ignore the job you have that you hate. If you have your dream job, you somehow justify not making any money because at least you are happy. It’s a vicious cycle of excuses where we’ve all settled for half of a whole….and given up on what’s missing because at least we have something---and shouldn’t I be happy I have that when some have nothing?

I’ve often said I wanted to grow older in an effort to figure out all of the ‘mess’ as I have outlined above. For some reason, I associate age with wisdom and the ability to sort through it all, put it in perspective, sift through the bullshit. But age doesn’t make a difference at all. Take relationships. Most older people who are not in them may cite the reason for this as being too busy with work or happier by themselves when the truth is…they don’t know how to function as part of a team. Depending on someone else scares them…..admitting they care about someone scares them…..and so they run behind their perfect job, wealth, etc. Still, they are missing something. They succumb to what’s easy….what they have known forever…and not what could potentially inspire them to be better or a more complete person.

Life is hard. A choice made one day can affect your entire life and set off a chain of events that can set you on the path to what’s easy or on the path that inspires you to be the best and most complete you.

Things are changing.

Motives are changing.

Angles are changing.

Words are changing.

Tears are changing.

Love is changing.

As I sit here on this humid summer night I cannot help but wonder, at what point do we lose control?

Rolling in the Deep 12/19/10

Every time I see a play now, I get stomach cramps. My hair stands on end, excited and my eyes flash from one side of the stage to the next… ears instinctively reject the voices of a choir yet relish in its sound, trying to distinguish the tenors from the baritones in the sea of singers.

I love being a part of it all as an audience member but wish I were a part of it all on stage.

I leave the experience wanting more. I go home and scour the internet for opportunities wherein which I might be able to participate in something like what I've just seen. I make plans to audition. I put the dates on my calendar.

In the end, I bail.

Every time I do this, I ask myself why? Am I so far removed from it that I’ve lost my confidence?

As much as I love my family, I sometimes neglect them. I don’t visit my godson enough….and I sometimes make silly excuses in my own mind as to why I don’t have the time to attend a sister’s birthday party or babysit for someone one night.

When visiting my parents, I often thumb through pack after pack of pictures of my family with the little ones. To be honest, I feel left out. I want to be the one sitting next to them blowing out birthday candles. I want to be playing in the plastic pool in the yard, splishing and splashing through the day without a care in the world.

Why is it so hard for me to justify spending time with them as an important part of my life?

I see couples in the street…some people I might have never pictured together, some who seem picture-perfect. I hear their conversations and laughter, their fighting and debate, and sometimes catch a quick kiss between two people on the metro.

Why do they have it all and I don’t? Where did they meet? Was their connection instant? Did it take work? Are they truly happy? Do I wish I had what they did? And, based on my past history regarding being in a couple, should I even bother?

I cannot help but wonder, at what point in our lives do we lose control?

Lose control, that is, over everything we once thought we mastered. Everything we thought defined us…

I look in the steamed mirror in my bathroom after a hot shower, and sometimes I don’t recognize the person I’ve become from the person I once was….and it breaks my heart.

What am I missing out on? And is it prohibiting me from being the me I deserve to be?

Even 7/8/10

I find it hard to keep up with my writing only because I really cannot be completely candid as I once was. I’ve entered adulthood….and as we all know, the fun basically stops on many levels when that happens.

When I was in college, I wanted the time to pass. Every single thing about Salisbury made me so miserable. In retrospect, I was a fool. A fool who never allowed himself to be happy and, instead, ruined what should have been the best time of my life.
Regrets are the worst thing in the world, and I have already racked up so many.
Sometimes I wish I could disappear back to highschool.
Sometimes I wish I could disappear in the planning of the Senior Prom again.
Sometimes I wish I could disappear in the arms of someone that I knew was there for me and not his own selfish motivations.
I miss it all.

I am extremely young and inexperienced and on a journey of self-discovery.
I know how hard it is getting it right at a time like this.
I am supposed to try to get exactly what I want knowing that I will most likely fail several times on the way to happiness.

A friend of mine once said that when someone gets what he truly wants, he doesn't want it anymore.
Why, then, do we torture ourselves with dreams?
I can't help but we, as humans, continue to look for the good in what we dream in only knowing that, in the end, we won't be truly satisfied with what we have achieved?

This last statement makes me think of acting. Thinking back to a few years ago, being an actor meant everything to me. I wanted to move to New York as soon as I finished undergrad and begin my road to ‘becoming the next Broadway star.' It sounds silly…but I felt passionate about something then.
I felt as if I had a purpose.
I miss being ridiculously passionate about something.
What happened to that person? I can honestly say I recognize very little about the person most people now know in regard to who I used to be. I think I liked certain aspects of that person better...

I remember why I used to act. I wrote the reason all over my graduate school application essays back when I was on the MFA Musical Theatre track in life:
“Through my performance of whatever character I may play in a particular show, I want people of all ages to be compelled to FEEL something. I find the expression of feelings in today’s society to be frowned upon. I want people to feel again.”
I'm a big believer in the idea that the expression of one's feelings is imperative to his happiness and overall confidence. If I feel something, I'll let you know. However happy or sad the feeling, that very feeling is crossing my mind and heart for a very important reason---to be first acknowledged by me and then expressed to you.

Sometimes I wonder....
If we, as a society, weren't always confused and questioning if what we were doing with our lives was right....would we be bored? Would we find something else to nitpick until that, too, was then sorted out.....only to move onto something else to obsess over?
When will we, as humans...realize that being confused and asking ourselves questions about who we are and why we are that way is normal....?
Our decisions take us to unexpected and sometimes unhappy places---but I am a firm believer that the choices I make shape my fate.
To question is bliss.
It is only when we question that we figure out exactly how we feel.
And, personally, I'm all about questioning everything to feel something.

The Music That Haunts This Town 6/30/10

I can't help but feel as though I am making all the wrong decisions in life.
I feel less and less fulfilled as each day passes, and I find myself wondering what happened to the motivated, determined, inquisitive, confident, "leader of the pack" I once was.

Throughout my life thus far, I have always sworn to myself that I would never settle for anything less in life than the potential I know I possess could achieve. I have always wanted to do something great with the talents I've been told I possess. Change the world in some big or even small way---just to touch someone and make a difference.

Somewhere along this journey we call life, I think I stumbled and, instead of getting up, brushing myself off, and trudging forward....I gave up.

If I am giving myself the benefit of the doubt---maybe I am merely still searching for the path I was once on? Who knows...

As weird as it seems, I think I over-thought my future. I am the ultimate planner. From the day to the weekend to the month---I prefer my ducks in a row, in colored-coordinated sweaters no less. =) Is it possible, however, that somewhere in the midst of all my planning I forgot to ask myself something very important? What one thing in life can't I live without? Am I putting my best efforts toward achieving that one very important thing? Or am I over-thinking planning my future to avoid the mistakes I am failing to realize I am making in the present?

It's scary to me to think that one choice can shape your fate. It scares me to think of not ever having met some of my best friends because I didn't go to a party or break up with a boyfriend. It scares me to think that I wouldn't exist in this world if my parents hadn't conceived me by accident. It scares me to think of all the people I've alienated because of snarky things I've said or judgments I've made about them. It scares me most of all, though, to think of all the wrong choices I might make in the future and how those very mistakes may bring me closer or further away from the one thing in life I now know I cannot live without---a career in arts education and outreach on behalf of children.

As I sit here on my bed, my sheets fresh out of the dryer, I cannot help but wonder....are we one fuck-up away from losing it all?

Drops of Jupier 3/18/10

Have you ever wished you could go back to the time when you were a child? Everything seemed so simple, and no action you took had any consequence. I wish things were the same way now. I constantly find myself searching for answers in my childhood--why I am the way that I am...over-analytical, too organized, so afraid of big dogs, obsessed with theatre...all of that.

For the most part, my childhood was very good until I reached middle school. People would call me gay because I had more girlfriends than boyfriends (go figure, right?), they would criticize my outfits because I did not have the best designer clothes, I liked girlie pop music, and I liked the arts and plays. Who defines what is right and wrong in the world of a child? What defines "popularity" and what defines "dorkdom." It's interesting to think about, as the "success" or "failures" of our life as a child shape our entire mindset as we became teenagers.

I miss being a kid. I miss not having to make decisions. I miss my mother picking out my outfits, and I miss not having to worry about making plans for a Friday night.

I've heard it once said that life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away. If this is true, it worries me to think that I wasted too much time breathing and taking it easy than taking risks and experiencing thrills that made me short of breath as both and child and now, as an adult.

As I sit here, staring at my freshly cut daffodils in a small vase on my window sill....I can help but we have the power to shape our own fate or are we merely a checker piece in some giant mapped out plan we have no control over? I guess I should "just keep swimming" however hard it may to fight against the current.

Run When Your Hurting 3/17/10

I find myself thinking about friendships today....

How I long for some good friendships in my life. I used to have three of the most exceptional and caring friends. Time passed, and things fell apart---in part, I feel, because of me.....but also because of life in general.

Are we really meant to meet people, get so close to them, and then watch them walk out of our lives at some point down the line? Are we supposed to share experiences and invest time in one another for only the purpose of future memories to look back on as having been "the time that I REALLY lived?" Or were we supposed to hold onto them---fight for them through whatever incident threatened to break us apart or sever whatever bond we shared? As flawed humans, how are we to know if we should push to hold onto a huge fight? after a silly lie is discovered? if hurtful words are said in a heated moment?

Through my experiences with certain people it has become either worth it or not worth it to fight for their friendship in hard times....but actions and words can sometimes be deceiving.

Friends sometimes tell you what you want to hear.
Friends sometimes agree with you to shut you up.
Friends sometimes use you without you even knowing.
Sometimes, though...the FRIENDSHIPS themselves that are built can outweigh even the worst of these relationship crimes.

I can't help but wonder........are we, as flawed humans, bad at picking friends....or do we settle for the bad friends that continue picking us?

I'll admit, sometimes blaming someone else is my mind, it allows me to place my burdens on others and to focus on whatever positives in my life tend to slip in the background in the midst of too many problems. But is blaming others for problems we have clearly caused only a temporarily solution for the inevitable---the creation of seemingly insurmountable internal demons related directly to these problems we have tried to push on others?

I could blame someone for a failed relationship or friendship, and have, without EVER examining my role in the ruining. I didn't lie, they lied. I made the effort to call, they didn't. I believed in them, they didn't believe in me. All of these lies I (or anyone) places upon the shoulders of someone else only creates one feeling that surfaces later---the feeling of abandon.

In essence, blaming other people pushes them away. Family members, lovers, friends, teachers, directors, whatever....Blaming other people not only suggests that we are above dealing with the damage we have caused, but suggest the lack of respect we really have for those people we, in turn, blame.

Is someone, somewhere watching and taking notes on who we blame? God....cupid....anyone.

I can't help but wonder...are we actually only one blame away from a karmic retribution where we are not blamed---but not loved or trusted either. We are merely ignored and forgotten.

"You know I used to weave my words into confusion. And so i hope you'll understand me when I'm through. You know I used to live my life as an illusion...but reality will make my dream come true." -Johnny Lang

Breaking Bad 3/3/10

I've been thinking alot the past few days about a quote from, as we all know, one of my favorite shows ever on television:

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."

I sometimes wonder if the relationship I have with myself is unhealthy. I often second-guess my decisions, lack the confidence to do several things I should be able to do with no problem as an individual with a quarter of my life almost gone, and take to heart what others have to say about or to me. I tell myself to stray from this unhealthy relationship, and yet I find myself circling round and round, ending up exactly where I most often times begin.

If one's relationship with one's self directly affects the relationships one has with others, could my unhealthy relationship with myself ultimately lead to my demise as a person in society? The demise of my goals? My dreams? My needs? A little dramatic (go figure, right?), yes, but ultimately true.

If this IS the case, what can I or anyone to do heal this unhealthy relationship? I could talk about it until I am blue in the face and solve nothing, or I could ignore it and continue wandering through life failed relationship (friend or lover) after failed relationship blaming everyone but myself. And THAT, in itself, is not healthy. Doing that doesn't get me from point A to point B or make me a better person. I must act..

Every boyfriend I have had (while the number isn't many) has not lived up to some "expectation" I have ended up setting, leading me to break up with them for frivolous reasons that have no backing in the scheme of things.

I have heard others say humans get stuck in patterns that SEEM healthy because that in itself is the very definition of the idea of having a routine. We wake up. We go to work. We hit the gym. We go to happy hour. We watch Bravo. We sleep. If we just took a break from our private little world to see the the magnitude of disservice done us in adopting these routines, we would all be better off. Routine suffocates and can create resentment within us without us ever being the wiser.

A vicious cycle? I think so.

When will I, and so many others, figure out the way to fix our unhealthy relationship with ourself?