Monday, August 8, 2011

Rolling in the Deep 12/19/10

Every time I see a play now, I get stomach cramps. My hair stands on end, excited and my eyes flash from one side of the stage to the next… ears instinctively reject the voices of a choir yet relish in its sound, trying to distinguish the tenors from the baritones in the sea of singers.

I love being a part of it all as an audience member but wish I were a part of it all on stage.

I leave the experience wanting more. I go home and scour the internet for opportunities wherein which I might be able to participate in something like what I've just seen. I make plans to audition. I put the dates on my calendar.

In the end, I bail.

Every time I do this, I ask myself why? Am I so far removed from it that I’ve lost my confidence?

As much as I love my family, I sometimes neglect them. I don’t visit my godson enough….and I sometimes make silly excuses in my own mind as to why I don’t have the time to attend a sister’s birthday party or babysit for someone one night.

When visiting my parents, I often thumb through pack after pack of pictures of my family with the little ones. To be honest, I feel left out. I want to be the one sitting next to them blowing out birthday candles. I want to be playing in the plastic pool in the yard, splishing and splashing through the day without a care in the world.

Why is it so hard for me to justify spending time with them as an important part of my life?

I see couples in the street…some people I might have never pictured together, some who seem picture-perfect. I hear their conversations and laughter, their fighting and debate, and sometimes catch a quick kiss between two people on the metro.

Why do they have it all and I don’t? Where did they meet? Was their connection instant? Did it take work? Are they truly happy? Do I wish I had what they did? And, based on my past history regarding being in a couple, should I even bother?

I cannot help but wonder, at what point in our lives do we lose control?

Lose control, that is, over everything we once thought we mastered. Everything we thought defined us…

I look in the steamed mirror in my bathroom after a hot shower, and sometimes I don’t recognize the person I’ve become from the person I once was….and it breaks my heart.

What am I missing out on? And is it prohibiting me from being the me I deserve to be?

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