Monday, August 8, 2011

The Music That Haunts This Town 6/30/10

I can't help but feel as though I am making all the wrong decisions in life.
I feel less and less fulfilled as each day passes, and I find myself wondering what happened to the motivated, determined, inquisitive, confident, "leader of the pack" I once was.

Throughout my life thus far, I have always sworn to myself that I would never settle for anything less in life than the potential I know I possess could achieve. I have always wanted to do something great with the talents I've been told I possess. Change the world in some big or even small way---just to touch someone and make a difference.

Somewhere along this journey we call life, I think I stumbled and, instead of getting up, brushing myself off, and trudging forward....I gave up.

If I am giving myself the benefit of the doubt---maybe I am merely still searching for the path I was once on? Who knows...

As weird as it seems, I think I over-thought my future. I am the ultimate planner. From the day to the weekend to the month---I prefer my ducks in a row, in colored-coordinated sweaters no less. =) Is it possible, however, that somewhere in the midst of all my planning I forgot to ask myself something very important? What one thing in life can't I live without? Am I putting my best efforts toward achieving that one very important thing? Or am I over-thinking planning my future to avoid the mistakes I am failing to realize I am making in the present?

It's scary to me to think that one choice can shape your fate. It scares me to think of not ever having met some of my best friends because I didn't go to a party or break up with a boyfriend. It scares me to think that I wouldn't exist in this world if my parents hadn't conceived me by accident. It scares me to think of all the people I've alienated because of snarky things I've said or judgments I've made about them. It scares me most of all, though, to think of all the wrong choices I might make in the future and how those very mistakes may bring me closer or further away from the one thing in life I now know I cannot live without---a career in arts education and outreach on behalf of children.

As I sit here on my bed, my sheets fresh out of the dryer, I cannot help but wonder....are we one fuck-up away from losing it all?

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